VZCZCXYZ0000
RR RUEHWEB

DE RUEHHE #0486 3571211
ZNR UUUUU ZZH
R 231211Z DEC 09
FM AMEMBASSY HELSINKI
TO SECSTATE WASHDC 5333

UNCLAS HELSINKI 000486 
 
INFO ALL CONSULAR AND DIPLOMATIC POSTS 
 
SIPDIS 
 
E.O. 12958: N/A 
TAGS: HUMOR
SUBJECT: SAINT NICK LIKELY TO AGAIN VIOLATE U.S. AIRSPACE 
 
REF: STATE 000001 
 
¶1. (U) Pol/Econoff traveled to Santa's Village on Wednesday, 
December 16 to meet with Preeminent Ambassador to the World, 
His Excellency Saint Nicholas, aka Kris Kringle, aka Santa 
Claus regarding zero-emissions international travel, his 
continued unauthorized incursions into U.S. airspace, the 
high north issue and to glean some insight into who has been 
naughty and who has been nice in 2009 -- also known as "The 
List." 
 
¶2.  (U) Not surprisingly, St. Nick was reticient to discuss 
at length his unique form of zero-emissions international 
travel but did declare that external verification was not 
acceptable.  When Pol/Econoff pressed for insight into how 
St. Nick's no-C02 fuel could be processed and industrialized 
to help secure the energy security needs of the United 
States, St. Nick mumbled something under his breath about 
"no-bid contract" but then refused to clarify and referred 
all future emissions questions to his Minister of 
Communications. 
 
¶3.  (U) Pol/Econoff delivered the reftel remarks to St. Nick 
regarding his continued unauthorized incursions into U.S. 
airspace.  St. Nick's first response was to tuck his thumbs 
behind his belt and deliver a very loud, "Hohoho!" along with 
a wink.  When it became clear that St. Nick thought that 
reftel remarks were a joke, Pol/Econoff re-stated the talking 
points, driving home the main message that U.S. airspace is 
sovereign and that we will view any further violations of 
this airspace to be a hostile act.  St. Nick tersely declared 
that, "As a signatory to the Geneva Convention I have 
worldwide diplomatic status as a courier but if NORAD feels 
the need to harass me yet again then I welcome the challenge. 
 Rudolph and his team have been working hard on a new stealth 
technology this year and we are confident that we will be 
able to complete our mission objectives."  At this point 
Rudolph popped his head into St. Nick's office and threw a "V 
for Victory" sign at Pol/Econoff with his right hoof. 
Rudolph was clutching a jug of eggnog in his left hoof and 
appeared to be inebriated. 
 
¶4.  (U) It became clear that continuing to discuss reftel 
would not be productive so Pol/Econoff switched to the 
subject of the high north issue and Russia's claim to have 
planted a flag under the North Pole.  At this point St. Nick 
became very agitated and said that several demarches by his 
Embassy in Moscow to the Russian government had been treated 
with disdain and that this situation is one of his 
government's foreign policy priorities.  It appears that the 
Russian officials have a difficult time negotiating with 
velvet-clad elves.  St. Nick is concerned about recent 
indications by Russia that they will turn off the gas supply 
to the North Pole at the height of the toy production season 
due to "technical difficulties."  He then stated that Putin 
and Medvedev would not like the consequences of such an 
action but refused to clarify after Pol/Econoff asked if this 
comment referred to The List.  This point of friction could 
finally lead to the North Pole joining the NATO alliance. 
 
¶5.  (U) Pol/Econoff then moved on to the final objective and 
asked St. Nick for a copy of The List for 2009.  The Minister 
of Communications stepped in at this point and declared that, 
"We do not discuss matter of intelligence," but St. Nick 
waved him off and gave Pol/Econoff the following note written 
in what appears to be candy-cane syrup: 
 
"Nobel Peace Prize winners never get coal..." 
 
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOUR CLOSEST EMBASSY TO SANTA'S VILLAGE!" 
ORECK