VZCZCXRO6043
RR RUEHBL
DE RUEHDL #0137/01 0910750
ZNY CCCCC ZZH
R 010750Z APR 09
FM AMEMBASSY DUBLIN
TO RUEHC/SECSTATE WASHDC 9907
INFO RUEHBJ/AMEMBASSY BEIJING 0231
RUEHLO/AMEMBASSY LONDON 2610
RUEHBL/AMCONSUL BELFAST 0971

C O N F I D E N T I A L SECTION 01 OF 02 DUBLIN 000137 
 
SIPDIS 
 
E.O. 12958: DECL: 03/31/2019 
TAGS: EFIN PREL ECON EI
SUBJECT: LATEST BUDGET FIGURES FORCE IRISH GOVERNMENT TO 
GRIN AND BARE IT 
 
Classified By: Acting DCM Ted Pierce; Reasons 1.4(b/d) 
 
¶1. (C) Summary: In light of greater than expected budget 
deficits and falling tax revenue, the Government of Ireland 
is investigating a number of unorthodox solutions to the 
financial crisis.  While these proposals mark a dramatic 
departure from traditional methods, it is unlikely that they 
will be sufficient to right Ireland's economy.  End summary. 
 
¶2.  (C) The Irish government is facing a budget deficit far 
in excess of original estimates, with latest figures showing 
a further Euro 2 billion decline in tax revenues.  According 
to sources within the Taoiseach's office, tax hikes and 
budget cuts alone will be insufficient to close the gap.  A 
contact in the Department of Finance told Emboff that elected 
officials from all political parties appeared to band 
together during an extended Sunday session at Fagan's Pub, 
located in former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's constituency.  We 
spoke to Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Cullen 
who said, "(Former Taoiseach) Bertie bought a bit of the 
Black Stuff and before we knew it, he had the whole thing 
solved.  If I'd have been Minister for Finance we never would 
have been in such a dire state." 
 
¶3.  (C) Poloff recently spoke with Tanaiste Mary Coughlan's 
special assistant who noted that, "Bertie, at one point just 
started laughing for no apparent reason.  No one could figure 
it out until he said told us about his late-night visit to 
the Hibernian and National Gallery."  (Note:  On March 23, 
RTE, Ireland's national television and radio network, 
reported that semi-nude paintings of the current Taoiseach, 
Brian Cowen, were anonymously hung on the walls of two public 
art galleries earlier in the month.  The perpetrator was not 
publicly identified. End Note)  He continued, "I guess it was 
at that moment that Bertie got the inspiration for the 
calendar." 
 
¶4.  (C) As a result of the now-legendary "Fagan's Roundtable" 
session, the Taoiseach's office is expected to introduce a 
number of creative, revenue-generating projects.  First, and 
perhaps most controversial, is a 2010 calendar featuring 
current government employees and, rumor has it, leading 
politicians in less-than-Ministerial photo spreads.  Toward 
the tail-end of the Fagan's session, Mary Harney, Minister 
for Health and Children, reportedly exclaimed saucily "if 
someone wants to pay Euro 10,000 (USD 14,500) for that 
painting of Biffo just think what a glossy of Eamon (Ryan, 
Minister for Communications, Energy, and Natural Resources) 
might fetch." 
 
¶5. (C) When asked about the potential market for the 
calendar, Foreign Minister Micheal Martin commented, "I think 
America is our best hope right now given the combination of 
the large Irish diaspora there, President Obama's ambitious 
stimulus package that should put extra spending money in 
people's pockets, and the willingness to spend that money on 
all things Irish.  I mean if they'll pay good money to see 
Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance, they'll buy anything." 
Martin left the meeting muttering to himself, "Why he didn't 
stop with Riverdance, I'll never know." 
 
¶6. (C) The Irish government clearly recognizes that the 
calendar revenues will not fill the entire shortfall in the 
government's budget.  Therefore, in order to stave off the 
humiliation of an IMF-led bailout, the government will be 
announcing a much-discussed plan to copyright a number of 
traditional Irish terms and symbols, including shamrocks, 
leprechauns, shillelaghs, "your man," the use of the 
reflexive (yourself, myself, etc.) in place of the nominative 
(you, I, etc.), the color green, and the Boston Celtics. 
According to a well-placed source within the Department of 
Finance, "the time is right for this plan, especially now 
that the Boston Celtics are winning again.  I mean, just 
think of the merchandising revenue from the sale of keychains 
and those bobble-head dolls."  She added, "The government 
coffers should swell by at least Euro 10 million (USD 14.5 
million) from sales of "shamrock shakes" alone." 
 
¶7. (C) Government sources admit this effort faces significant 
obstacles not least of which is whether the whole scheme is 
legal.  Brushing breaches of international intellectual 
property law aside, an Irish Justice Department said the 
government is facing stiff opposition to the plan from 
organizations representing so-called "little people."  These 
groups have already begun to plan a worldwide day of protest 
and have threatened to sue the Irish at the WTO if the 
government goes forward with the plan. 
 
¶8. (C) A press release issued by Deep Roy, who played all of 
the Oompa Loompas in the 
 
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vastly-inferior-to-the-original-Gene-Wilder-i nterpretation, 
Johnny Depp vehicle "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," 
noted that, "We have fought valiantly against such derogatory 
terms as dwarf and midget.  We are little people and for the 
Irish government to try to balance its budget on our backs is 
an abomination."  He continued that a strong dose of wage 
deflation combined with a classic Keynesian countercyclical 
fiscal response would solve both Ireland's internal and 
external imbalances.  Our Justice Department contact told us 
that General Mills' lawyers have held strategy sessions in 
Fagan's with Irish government attorneys in order to pass on 
lessons-learned derived from many years of ongoing "Lucky 
Charms"-related litigation. 
 
¶9. (C) Comment: The expected measures have captured the 
imagination of Irish punters across the country.  A local 
bookmaking agency, Paddy Power, reports that the odds are 
running against the government on all of the various 
initiatives.  The government's silence on whether boxers or 
briefs will be the undergarment of choice in its calendar 
offering has been the biggest money-spinner for the bookies. 
(Note: Boxers appear to be the odds-on favorite but given the 
outward appearance of many officials, this appears to simply 
be wishful thinking. End note.)  In spite of this intense 
interest among out-of-work gamblers, we expect these efforts 
to fall short of solving Ireland's financial dilemma.  Happy 
April 1. 
FAUCHER